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*ring ring*

*ring ring*

Kritesh: Hello

Kritesh: Hi Kritesh! Happy Birthday!

Kritesh: Hey. Thanks a lot. Who is this?

Kritesh: I am Kritesh. Yeah, you heard that right. Funny stuff.

Kritesh: Umm…

Kritesh: Oh come on! You knew this was going to happen. You are half schizophrenic anyways.

Kritesh: I’m not.

Kritesh: Right. I was half kidding.

Kritesh: So uh… Karthik calling Karthik, eh?

Kritesh: Yeah. You love good movies right?

Kritesh: Smart ones.

Kritesh: Haha! Nice nice. So, anyways, I really want to talk to you about the last year and the coming year.

Kritesh: Alright. I’ll love to hear my subconscious mind talk to me.

Kritesh: Heh. Ok. Just don’t mention this to anyone.

Kritesh: Yeah, I won’t. I’ll just post it on my blog.

Kritesh: I know you would. Anyways… ready? Aragorn walk done?

Kritesh: Yeah yeah. Lets start.

Kritesh: Ok. So, your past year has been eventful, in more ways than one. That reminds me, since you are going to post this on your blog – A happy birthday to the blog too, you started it last year and even though you haven’t posted a lot, it helped you a lot.

Kritesh: Yeah it did. Thanks.

Kritesh: So, your last year, what did you learn from it?

Kritesh: Being 18 is fun?

Kritesh: Stop kidding with me.

Kritesh: Oh alright. I guess you can’t lie to yourself, not your subconscious mind anyways. So, yeah, the year was okay. Considering everything, I guess it turned out to be okay. Right?

Kritesh: Mostly. But you did miss a lot of good opportunities, didn’t you?

Kritesh: I did. I most certainly did.

Kritesh: But there were many good times too, so don’t be disheartened. I know you are sad about some things that happened, which were partially your fault, and you know that too. But I don’t want you blaming everything on you.

Kritesh: Why not?

Kritesh: Well… if you see an accident happen and the person involved in the accident is injured, but you do not help the guy. Is the accident entirely his fault?

Kritesh: Yeah. I didn’t do the accident. Right?

Kritesh: Yes, you didn’t. But you didn’t try to make it better either.

Kritesh: Oh! I see what you are trying to say.

Kritesh: I hope you do. Its not entirely your fault. You see, when you try too hard for something to work, it mostly doesn’t. You become too conscious of yourself and your fear of failure overtakes your desire to succeed.

Kritesh: Isn’t that a quote?

Kritesh: Yes, but it is true too. You do that. You know you do.

Kritesh: Yeah.

Kritesh: So, try and stop that. Also, don’t be too harsh on yourself, or be harsh knowing that it isn’t helping. You are not under any obligation to perform well in everything you do. Don’t take that as an excuse to not do things.

Kritesh: Ok, dude, I’ll edit some things before posting.

Kritesh: Heh. You just made yourself look bad.

Kritesh: Guess, thats true too. Damn, subconscious mind is always right.

Kritesh: Don’t call me that again and again, people would understand that even without you repeating that.

Kritesh: …

Kritesh: So, back to you. You know what you are good at. So, don’t shy away from practicing a bit for that. You know it would make you better. Do that. Enough about that, let me tell you what things to do before your next birthday and my next call. These things are all based on what we learned in the previous year. Okay?

Kritesh: Okay.

Kritesh: Remember Kritesh, don’t be rude to people who love you just because you know they’ll still keep loving you. Its not fair to them. Appreciate them and don’t hurt them just because they care for you. You hate yourself, does not mean that everyone should.

Kritesh: …

Kritesh: Your dog, Aragorn, loves you and is not afraid to show it to the world. Find and stick to people who are more like that. Love them back. And never let them go away.

Kritesh: Heh. You’re clever dude.

Kritesh: Another stupid remark, you are not obligated to say something after every sentence. Just shut up and try to understand.

Kritesh: …

Kritesh: Relationships are like the clutch on a motorcycle. Release the clutch too fast and you might do an accidental wheelie and hurt both you and the motorbike. Release it too slow and the engine will die out on you. You just have to do it at a good pace.

Kritesh: …

Kritesh: I know you’d be getting a motorcycle before your next birthday *wink wink* And that is why these references will help you understand what I am saying better.

Kritesh: … Smart, sorry.

Kritesh: Life is like the gears on your motorcycle. Enjoy each gear. Don’t be in a rush to change to the next level.

Kritesh: …

Kritesh: Your family will stick by you mostly. But don’t take the comfort for granted. Earn your place.

Kritesh: …

Kritesh: Life is not only about earning money or getting marks. But you should have some proof that you are good enough otherwise why would anyone believe you.

Kritesh: …

Kritesh: Try and stay in touch with your friends from school. Your past is not their fault. You learnt the important lessons with them, and they are the best people with whom you should share the results of those lessons.

Kritesh: …

Kritesh: Go out more often. Meet new people. Learn about them. Try and stay in touch with people who hold an important mark in your life. Be it teachers, friends or family.

Kritesh: …

Kritesh: You can do it, provided you do it.

Kritesh: Isn’t that a Catch 22?

Kritesh: Dude, lemme just finish the speech. Its almost over anyways, you won’t hear from me till next year.

Kritesh: I can’t call you up when I need you?

Kritesh: Nope. But you can edit the post if you forget some part of our conversation.

Kritesh: Heh.

Kritesh: Anyways, the final advice, clear your exams and get a job before we talk next. You know what you have to do. You know how you have to do it. But just knowing it, won’t do it. So, please… do us all a favor and do it.

Kritesh: Ok.

Kritesh: And don’t forget to be like your dog. Care for people and don’t be afraid to tell them or the world how much they mean to you.

Kritesh: I would try and do that.

Kritesh: Read the post once a month atleast, I think you’ll always find something new to do.

Kritesh: Thanks man.

Kritesh: BTW Congratulations.

Kritesh: Thanks. This wasn’t for the birthday right?

Kritesh: You know what it was for.

Kritesh: Thanks. Thanks for all your help. I appreciate it.

Kritesh: Right. I’ll see you next year. Enjoy the last of your teenage. And remember Kritesh, don’t let us down.

*disconnect*

Kritesh: Hello?

Ok. This is my first attempt at a song, that too one in Hindi. It was a sort of an impulse thing which started around 2 hours ago at 12:15 AM when Sonal commented on a song which had the name of one of our classmates in it. After which I started searching for songs which had the names of the people in our class. But I couldn’t find songs for some names

Jaishree then asked me to find a song in which her names appears but not in a religious context. I couldn’t find any so I told her I’ll write her one. Then I thought why don’t I write it for the names, which I couldn’t find songs for earlier, too.

With the help of Jaishree I prepared a list of all our classmates who are on facebook (If your name is not here, please blame her). The list was…

1. Jaishree
2. Sonal
3. Swati
4. Priyanka
5. Srishtee
6. Rishi
7. Ankit
8. Kritesh
9. Simran
10. Amrata
11. Arpita
12. Purva
13. Chandani
14. Divya
15. Shreya
16. Arohi
17. Seher

So, after 2 hours of searching on Google what names mean and getting confused in the end, I have written a song. Now, if there are any errors, please tell me and I would correct them soon. Most of the names weren’t meant to be included in sentences and thus it seems funny. Also, the name of most of the girls which end with an ‘a’ have been suited to fit the sentence (Sorry )

I have also included a crude translation of the song in English. Feel free to point out any errors. First attempt at a song. Here we go…

Kal baethe hue mujhe ek khayaal aaya

Sonal se sooraj ko dekh ek sawaal aaya
Is srishtee se kya chahta hun main?
Us Rishi ne kaha tha Simran karoge to…
Mil jaayegi har cheez tumhe.

Kal baethe hue mujhe ek khayaal aaya

Ek chandani raat mein lete hue yeh khayaal aaya
Jaishree hai meharbaan unhi pe jo seh chuke hain gam jo zindagi ne diye
Ban gaye woh amrat(a) jinne kuch prayas kiye
Main baetha rahunga to kya milega mujhe?

Kal baethe hue mujhe ek khayaal aaya

Dar dar bhatak raha tha yeh soch kar
Koi divy(a) rachna se milega priyank(a) mujhe
Aprit(a) tha  apni manzil ke liye
Kya chahta tha  main aur kya ankit tha mere liye?

Kal baethe hue mujhe ek khayaal aaya

Kuch aisa shrey(a) mile jo apurv(a) ho
Koshish karunga aroh(i) hoti rahe rooh meri
Purv(a) ki taraf badhte rahe yeh kadam mere
Kya pata fir mil jaye manzil mujhe

Kal baethe hue mujhe ek khayaal aaya

Kya chahta tha main mujhe kya pata
Par ek swati ko dekha shaam o seher mein
Bina kuch maange roshni fehla rahi thi woh
Mujhe laga kuch to ab karna hai mujhe

Kal baethe hue mujhe ek khayaal aaya

Sun lo jo kehta hai yeh paagal Kritesh
Bahut ho gaye yeh soch aur khayaal
Pyaar paane ke liye kuch to ab karna hai use
Bas ab to mehnat kar ladna hai use

Kal baethe hue mujhe ek khayaal aaya

English Translation (Verse By Verse)

I was sitting yesterday, when a thought ran through my mind…

Seeing the golden sun, I asked myself, what do I want from this world?
That sage had told me that if I pray I would get everything I desire.

I was sitting yesterday, when a thought ran through my mind…

Sitting in moonlight, a thought came to me,
The goddess of victory shines only upon those who have endured all the hardships life has given them.
Only those have become immortal who have worked hard for it.
If I keep sitting idle, what will I get?

I was sitting yesterday, when a thought ran through my mind…

I searched every nook and corner for some divine power to give me my lucky number,
I was devoted to get to my destination.
Alas! What I wanted and what destiny had written for me.

I was sitting yesterday, when a thought ran through my mind…
I wish I get success like none other ever had,
For that I would make efforts so that my spirit keeps evolving,
That my steps always take me towards the east,
Maybe then I would get what I want.

I was sitting yesterday, when a thought ran through my mind…

What I wanted, I didn’t know.
But I saw a star up in the sky, shining day and night, without asking for anything in return,
Then I realized, I too had to do something.

I was sitting yesterday, when a thought ran through my mind…

Listen to what this crazy Kritesh has to say,
Enough already with the thoughts, introspection and speculation,
If he wants love, he would have to do something to deserve it,
He would now have to work had and prepare for his battles which lie ahead.

I was sitting yesterday, when a thought ran through my mind…

—-

If I offended anyone, I am sorry. Please let me know and I would change it

Also, if you are crazy enough to try and sing it, it is to be sung like the song “Kabhi khud pe kabhi haalat pe rona aaya” by Mohd. Rafi from the movie Hum Dono starring Dev Anand. Here is a link to the youtube video with the song. (*click me*)

Use the same song structure when singing this song

P.S. Thanks to Jaishree for helping me out. Thanks to Sonal for giving me the inspiration.

You are not the blogs you read.

You are not the comments you make.

You are not your playlist.

You are not your facebook status.

You are not your parents.

You are not your religion.

You are not your society.

You are not the clothes you wear.

You are not the brand you love.

You are not your desktop wallpaper.

You are not your friends.

You are not the money you have.

You are not your spouse.

You are not the degrees you have.

You are not the books you own.

You are not your pets.

You are not your car.

You are not the things you buy.

You are not the things you create.

You are not your relationships.

You are… just you.

So stop pretending and wasting your life to get things that define your illusionary self.

Remember that line from Fight Club -  “You are not your job. You are not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the shoes you wear. You are not the contents of your wallet.”

This post is inspired from that.

Let me explain…

By pretending that you are your job, you are making your self-worth based on the job. But does your job define you as a person? If your answer is Yes then its not entirely your fault; we have been raised that way. Think for a moment and ask yourself how many things or how many decisions you have made thinking that those things or decisions would define you? And do they really define you?

Why would you want to attach your identity to any of those things? Because by doing that, you are losing yourself, bit by bit. When you let these things define yourself, you are limiting your possibilities. You begin to analyse everything in the same way. You would assume that a CEO is better than a watchman, which might not really be true. Not only that, by attaching your identity to things you are putting yourself at a considerable risk. If you lose your job, your possessions, you lose yourself! You break down, shattered.

Life’s purpose is not to earn as money as possible or have the coolest job. It is something much more. If you understand that, then only will you be able to value people and relationships properly. You can then find your true purpose in life and take your best shot at it.

Don’t let things define you. You will be able to handle setbacks in a better way if they do not knock out your sense of self-worth.

Please ask questions in the comments and remember -

You are just… you.

Since I was old enough to decide this, I chose love. I don’t know if it was Bollywood or the surroundings. I thought everything began and ended with it.

As I grew older I got introduced to new concepts, like having a successful career, being rich, etc. They appealed to me too. They sounded like practical things to concentrate and focus your life on.

After a few years, I began to understand religion and some of the concepts that went with it, especially the Indian society and how it works. It never sounded right to me, but that might be because I never had an extreme orthodox environment around me.

Then I thought a mixture of the three would lead one to a happy life. However before we go into that, let us go to the crux of this dilemma.

What are we doing here?

The answer to that question would be different for different people. Some are here to live their choices, see where it takes them.

Many are here to leave a mark, do something no one will forget, make sure everyone remembers them when they are gone. Moreover many are here to make sure they are appreciated, accepted and loved by the people around them. There is a subtle difference between the two.

Those who are more career-oriented tend to focus on education, good marks and money. They want to be remembered for their achievements.

The ones who are concerned about the society are more focused on what the people think of them. Whether their actions or inactions defy the social norms? Will it affect the “social standing” of their parents, their family or themselves?

All three give you happiness. All three can be a good path. In a utopian world, you would have all three.

But in the dimension we live in, we have to choose.

And so we decide our mix of the potion. Many go for career and society first and keep love for later. Some go for society only. A very few go for only career. And rarely I find people going just for love.

But why is that?

Isn’t leading a happy life an achievement? Just because it cannot be quantified doesn’t make it a less of a feat. Doesn’t love require more sacrifices? Is being the richest or the smartest or the most glamorous more demanding than leading a happy life?

And the society isn’t always right. We all know that. After all it is made up of people like us, who are still improving, still learning. Then why do we seek their approval, if we are sure what we are doing isn’t wrong? Is being accepted by all the ultimate achievement?

When I hear people say, “I want to do something in life”, they are talking about achievements, excelling at something, doing something no one has before or maybe proving that they can do something too. But why is that? Is that any different from getting provoked into taking an action?

Also, what are the odds of being the best in the field? I mean, what are the odds that your name goes down in the history books? I know you would respond by saying “Not worse than if I don’t try” and that is good spirit too. But what if you don’t succeed? Or more importantly – what if you do succeed?

When I hear them say, “’I am not living as my parents/the society expect me to”, they are talking about being accepted by the society, right? But does it really matter? If you know what you are doing is something right, even though it isn’t socially accepted, should you seek approval? After all, humans are creatures of habit. Talking about the result, being killed by a gun is not really different than being in an accident, result being death. But since accidents are a risk the society has accepted, being killed by a gun isn’t normal. This was an extreme example of course. Taking a more moderate and common one – For someone living in a religious environment, being happy by not marrying at all or being happy by marrying someone out of their caste/religion (Honour killings?) is no different than being happy in an arranged marriage. It is just that the latter is more socially acceptable in India. But that does not mean the other two are wrong. So, if the society is to improve, these acts of defiance are the way to move forward – Right?

Back to the original question, what should one choose to live – Love, Career or Religion?

Most of the people want to lead a happy life. The paths they choose is what they think would bring them happiness. The richest or the most accomplished man might not be the happiest. But being rich and accomplished is certainly a factor.

Similarly being accepted in society isn’t a guarantee that one would be happy. But it too is a factor.

So if we were to say that happiness or living a happy life is the goal, isn’t love a good path to choose? Sure, we cannot fully ignore the other two; they are a part of life too. But isn’t love the biggest factor in this equation, since ultimately all relate to it? Of course I am assuming that love would bring happiness. If it doesn’t, it isn’t love.

Everything written here is based on my experience and observation. And the former isn’t my strong suit. So, this article may evolve over time.

In any case, what is your opinion on it? What gets you high – Love, Career or Society?

And when you answer, remember – nobody’s judging you.

Why would I do this to myself?

Should I answer this now, or later?

Is this turmoil necessary?

To what end?

Is there destiny?

Or do we write our own?

How many times have I asked “Why me”?

How many times have you replied “You deserve it.”?

I’m afraid, this is as far as we go.

I am a part of you though.

What if I decide to return? Will you be there?

Will it matter? Do you care?

Can I even do this?

…

Hey, don’t you cry tonight.

Did I give it all? I wondered.
Could I have walked an extra mile?

Was it karma or was it fate?
Answering it will take a while.

I held myself and let her go.
Maybe I had given up on guile.

She sat in the car and looked at me
And saw me waving with a smile.

I saw her two years ago. I am not very good at remembering dates but it was somewhere around April. I was in the metro, returning from college. I had worn black jeans and torn socks, I remember this because my Taxation professor commented on my appearance in the class. I don’t remember anything else of that day, except meeting her of course. I remember that vividly.

The train stopped and I could see people pushing to get out fast. It was very crowded. A man had dropped his cell phone and was frantically searching for it. He was on all fours trying to locate the five inch device. He asked me to call his number. I did, and he could locate his phone which was under a seat, pushed away into a corner by the whizzing crowd. The seat was occupied by a burly old man, who refused to leave a seat when the man wanted to pick his phone up. Both got into a verbal feud. During this commotion, I saw her.

She was standing with her hand on the pole, wearing a white top with frills and blue jeans. Her hair was red with long waving curls. She was typing a message and her brown sparkling eyes were fixed on the cell phone, she seemed happy. A green bag hanging loosely from her shoulder indicated that she was a student. Her lips were a perfect curve; little earrings and a funky necklace were the only accessories she had, and the big silver watch too. Her face was angelic, perfect proportions and all. I couldn’t stop looking at her. But she barely looked at me that day. After all, I wasn’t exactly look-able material.

I won’t lie; it wasn’t “love at first sight”, nor was she the prettiest girl I had ever seen. She was simpler than most Delhi girls. And she didn’t have the girl-next-door look either. But seeing her there made me feel… calm. I don’t know why but I was reminded of the few good moments in my childhood when the world seemed simple and beautiful.

She got off two stations before me. The next day went as usual, and no, I didn’t think of her the whole day. I remembered her only when I was back in the metro heading to my home. I was wondering whether I would see her again and no surprises there… I didn’t.

A couple of weeks went by and I had forgotten about her. Caught up in studies and work, I didn’t even spare her a thought. My exams were near and trying to control the pressure was taking the best of me. I was returning from my exam, reading the question paper on the train back home. When I looked up I saw her sitting opposite to me. My heart skipped a beat when I saw the beautiful face again, but something was different; she looked sad and for some reason that made me angry. I could see little tears forming in her eyes; her hands wrapped around her bag, hugging it tightly.

I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her everything will be alright. But I couldn’t. I shuddered to think how she would react. She didn’t sob, but I could make out something was terribly wrong. I wanted to make it right; I wanted the spark back in her eyes. I don’t know why I wanted to help her so much. After all I had seen her only once before.

I didn’t look at her, afraid how I am going to react if our eyes meet. My examination troubles seemed miles away. I was angry and feeling pangs of guilt in my stomach. The fifteen minute trip with her seemed like hours. After she got off, it got worse. I didn’t know why I was acting so “emo”, I am usually rarely concerned with the problems of people around me.

That was the first night when I thought of her. I tried to concentrate on preparing for my exam tomorrow, but couldn’t for long.  I resolved to myself that the next time I see her; I am going to talk to her. I wasn’t sure of what exactly I would say, because I didn’t want to think about the possible consequences.

The next day went painfully slow. The exam surprisingly went fine, considering how bad my preparation was. And I was trying to motivate myself to talk to her in case I see her today. The train was full, and I had already prepared the conversation starter excuse on my way to the station. I sat on the seat closest to the door and kept my eyes fixed on the door, hoping I would see her sleek frame enter.

And she did…

For a few seconds everything went into a standstill. I noticed little bags below her eyes – she had been crying. Her hair was tied by a black band and her face looked sad. She looked at my direction and saw me staring. Our eyes met, and I smiled at her. She gave a little smile back. I stood up and offered my seat to her. She tilted her slender neck to the side and said “No, its okay.” Her voice sounded like a little girl’s. So… pure and innocent, you’d think you were reading a manga. I responded with an awkward “Please, I insist.” And she sat down thanking me with an inaudible “Thank you”.

“So, you travel by this train daily?” I said.

“Oh god, what must she be thinking of me. That sounds like I plan to stalk her”, I thought.

She replied, “No, I had come for my exams. I am a private student.”

A sudden relief came to me. “Oh well… so maybe she was sad because she had a bad exam. Phew! And here I was thinking the world is conspiring to kill her.”

“Ah! Nice. Which…” Her phone rang and she got busy trying to take it out of the bag from under her books.

I missed the opportunity to ask her which course she was in. After her fifteen minute conversation on phone, which I assume was with a friend of her’s; it was too late to start the conversation again. Her station came and she left the train after a polite smile.

I knew I had missed my chance. The next three days passed in the same way, with polite nods and little smiles, sometimes a high eyebrow raise in substitute of “Hey there!”. I could notice her swollen eyes, but thought it had to do with her exams. I didn’t have the audacity to tell her that everything is going to be fine. I guess I was being selfish again by not wanting to risk the chance of seeing her. After all, there are many different metros and she can easily change one to avoid me. I feared alienation.

But I cared for her…

It was the last day before the winter break. I was back on the train. I had finally shed my inhibitions and selfishness to just ask her if it were the exams that were troubling her. I was early and was waiting at the station. I bought a chocolate just in case it helps to cheer her up. I was sitting on the seat closest to door again. My tried and tested conversation starter trick ready, I waited for her to come. Suddenly I remembered about the man who had lost his cell phone and wondered what had happened after he got into the fight. Her station was just seconds away and I rehearsed the entire conversation in my head and hoped that there would be no distractions this time. The station came.

She didn’t.

I cursed myself for not talking to her before, but kept looking at the door and hoped she would magically appear and I can set things right again. My stop came and I went home.

I bathed in self-loathing that night. I couldn’t sleep. The next day I went back to the station, just to give it one more shot. I had to. I couldn’t stop myself from it. I would wallow in self-hatred otherwise.

I was at the train again, sitting on the same seat as before, hoping she would come. I tilted my head every time someone entered to see if she was behind them. But, she never came. I did the same for the next three days to no avail and then gave up.

If I just could go back one day!

I slept at nights remembering the last time I had seen her. She was wearing a bright pink coloured top with blue jeans. A strand of her hair, the usual curly red, touched her cheeks as she put them behind her ears with her fingers. Her enchanting eyes were staring at the floor, unwavering. Her face was an epitome of sadness. “What was she thinking about?” I kept asking myself that, hoping I would be able to figure out an answer. I never could.

When my college reopened, I had that faint hope that I would see her again, even though I had given up on the thought after two months of cursing my cowardly self. But I never did see her again… not until yesterday.

I was to join my first office yesterday. I had managed to clear off the exams well, and was fortunate enough to get a good job offer. I called up my parents to tell them I would be going by train as I didn’t want to be late on the first day.

I took a newspaper at the station and got on the train. I sat down and was browsing through the newspaper when I saw her. The same uncanny eyes, the red curly hair, the perfect proportion face, the slender neck.

It was impossible not to recognize her. It was her – printed in colour with a big headline above her face that said:

21 Year Old Commits Suicide – Reason Unknown

-xxxxxxx-

Sweet Child Of Mine – Guns N’ Roses

(Link to youtube video)

She’s got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I stared too long
I’d probably break down and cry

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Sweet child
Sweet child o’ mine

This is my second attempt at a short story (The first one was a Lion King fanfic. Yes, I know!) If there are any errors (grammatical or otherwise) please tell me. Also, please let me know where I can improve – Thanks!

P.S. Thanks to Ankur and his friend for helping me out during proofreading. Thanks a lot man!

Thanks to PHM and Manali too for helping me out!

Oh well, thanks to The Opposite, I have rediscovered two songs in my music collection. And they both capture the moment perfectly. I even found matching photos while browsing through deviantart.

Let me first tell you the songs -

One is November Rain by Guns N’ Roses. (Link to Youtube Video – November Rain)

Please read the lyrics before scrolling down

Guns N’ Roses – November Rain

Image by VreauSaAjungLaStele

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin’ when I hold you
Don’t you know I feel the same
‘Cause nothin’ lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it’s hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We’ve been through this
Such a long long time
Just tryin’ to kill the pain
Yeahh..
But lovers always come
And lovers always go
And no one’s really sure
Who’s lettin’ go today
Walking away
If we could take the time
To lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin’ that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
Then darlin’ don’t refrain
Or I’ll just end up walkin’
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time
On your own
Do you need some time
All alone
Everybody needs some time
On their own
Don’t you know you need some time
All alone

I know it’s hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn’t time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time
On my own
Sometimes I need some time
All alone
Everybody needs some time
On their own
Don’t you know you need some time
All alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there’s no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
‘Cause nothin’ lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don’t ya think that you
Need somebody
Don’t ya think that you
Need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You’re not the only one
You’re not the only one

Don’t ya think that you
Need somebody
Don’t ya think that you
Need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You’re not the only one
You’re not the only one

Don’t ya think that you
Need somebody
Don’t ya think that you
Need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You’re not the only one
You’re not the only one

Don’t ya think that you
Need somebody
Don’t ya think that you
Need someone
Everybody needs somebody

The other one is Dirty Girl (Link to youtube video – Dirty Girl). The most… honest song in my playlist. Read

Eels – Dirty Girl

Image by - drachenmagier

I like a girl with a dirty mouth
Someone that i can believe
We had a window not open too long
But that time is good and gone

And if I ever see her again
Just walking by with some new guy
I know that we will need to pretend
And hope our eyes keep telling lies

Sit on the back porch and wonder ’bout her
What is she doing right now
Making somebody a happier man
Dying her hair back to brown

Once in a while your life gets so good
Worth all the trouble of the past
That was the case but i think i always knew
Good things don’t ever last

And if i ever see her again
Just walking by with some new guy
I know that we will need to pretend
And hope our eyes keep telling lies

I like a girl with a dirty mouth
Know that i can trust her
We had our time but it didn’t last too long
And that time is good and gone
That time is good and gone

Both songs are pretty straight and I echo the feelings in both. Its tough to let go of the people and things you thought you would be pretty attached to. But well… some things you cannot change. That reminds me of a quote from Polybius, which I saw in Rome: Total War (great game by the way) which says -

“A good general not only sees the way to victory, he also knows when victory is impossible.”

- Polybius

I do wish to see them again… But for now, we must part.

So be it.

*sigh* Meh. >.< O_o? Seriously? Anyways, … Right. I see. Heh. (items in the list were added as I typed the post)




Okay, that was the last time I used those phrases. This is it.

Like George in “The Opposite” episode in Seinfeld said -

My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be.

Every decision I have made in my entire life has been wrong!

And therein, as the Bard would tell us, lies the rub.

I have become a self-depreciating human being, cracking good jokes, being sarcastic, listening to old rock bands, getting into intellectual arguments (over matters of religion,country, politics, etc.) and hoping that everything will turn out okay.

But guess what? Nothing ever turns out Okay.

And these were all my choices. Nothing ever worked for me by listening to Pink Floyd and sarcasm. “Every instinct I have, in every part of life, be it something to wear, something to eat … It’s all been wrong.”

As Jerry said in “The Opposite”

“If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.”

And so it is. From now on I’m completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I’ve ever had.

So if you think Saturn is the cause of all hardships on the planet? Go ahead, do your rituals. I won’t try to convince you otherwise.

Are inter caste marriages allowed? Are honor killings okay? Whatever you say… I’m okay with you being okay with it.

Should we kill each other in name of religion? Whatever works out for you.

Not only that, nothing ever worked with sarcasm, now I’m trying the opposite – slapstick and dumb jokes.

And instead of being anti-social, I’ll add up some random person on facebook for a chat, will say hello to fellow people in the coffee shop, will call up some school friends to see how they are doing…

Will focus on studies for a change, instead of constantly trying to correct other people’s issues. Got to deal with my own first.

And you know what? Will purchase a new computer without thinking too much (Already spent a lot of though). Will stop using () (to explain things).

Will stop coming up with witty status messages. Will keep my room open. Will buy good shorts soon. Will listen to Pop, Trance and… Hip Hop. Will not use … excessively.

Instead of thinking about people’s lives from their photos on FB will start to think about my own.

Instead of NOT forwarding the motivational/joke messages, will forward to all possible.

Instead of sticking with the laptop like it is my soulmate, will use it only when required.

Instead of NOT answering questions, will start replying truthfully.

Instead of asking good questions, will shut up and try to resolve them myself.

Instead of writing everything in the blog post, will leave some unsaid.

Right, gotta do that now.

Anyways, will stop using anyways a lot. So, that is the plan. Lets see where this takes me.

“Onward and upward!”

I’m up in the air,
Choices drifting by me everywhere
And I can’t find the one
That would help me do the work I’ve left undone,
‘Cause I’m up in the air.

I’m making some plans,
Finding out there’s always new demands.
And I can’t be precise
When people ask me what I’m doing with my life.
I say, “It’s up in the air.”

I’m hearing from friends.
It’s that tired, old advice again:
“You just cannot keep floating all around,
Oh, you got to get your feet back on the ground.”
But it’s hard to come down
When you’re up in the air.

Da, da da da da da
Da, da da da da da
Daaaa, daaa, daaa, da da da
Mmm

I’m travelling in my car,
Always lost, though I don’t go that far.
I find that I can live most anywhere.
Everyone I meet has so much they can share.
But I don’t settle down
‘Cause I’m up in the air.

I’m thinking of my past,
The comfort in my home that couldn’t last.
Now my family tells me work for your success
And they want to see me find some happiness.
But I’m not sure where that is
‘Cause I’m up in the air.

I’m talking with my peers,
Listening to them tell their inner fears.
Some have lives that haven’t gone the way they planned,
And some are trapped in situations they can’t stand.
But I don’t want the same for me
So I stay up in the air.

Da, da da da da da
Da, da da da da da
Daaaa, daaa, daaa, da da da
Mmm

I’m out in the woods,
Something here does my heart so good.
I breathe the air and I know that I’m alive.
And I stare at all the birds as they fly by.
I guess it all goes down to them
‘Cause they’re up in the air…

(Up In The Air – Kevin Renick from the movie Up in the Air)
—

Even though this song is more relevant for people who are traveling all the time. But, somehow I can relate to this a lot. Each verse is what happens to me daily. I don’t travel a lot, but I do bounce around from one thought to another, you know the one… inspirational thought that you think will revolutionize your life. I have had so many of them. I just don’t know what to do with my life right now. Here Income Tax book is open and I don’t know anything contained in it. I don’t think I can either. Exams are so close, no hope of passing. And… frankly, it isn’t even bothering me. I just want to get over with it. Too much pressure. I like swinging from thought to thought. I like spreading each one of them. I like writing about them. I just want to do that. I want to see more movies, I learn a lot from them. More food for thought. See, that is what I do, I substitute thought for action. And even though its not enough, I like that. And at the end of it all, isn’t life doing what you like? Isn’t that the happiness we are all searching for? I just want to be up in the air…