“He is always happy,
And he makes others happy.”
said the angel when she showed me the boy who, in spite of all the hardships he had faced in life, still stands strong and enjoys every moment of his life.

I, however, am too busy to listen.

Busy doing what, you might ask?

Well, this is where the fun kicks in. I don’t do anything. In fact, I can’t do anything. Everything, you have ever known about me, was just a facade. The truth is that I am a malevolent, miserable human being who is filled with disdain, because life isn’t what he thought will be in his dream world.

Ah! Yes! I haven’t told you about the dream world. It is in a sense, utopia, not without problems per se, but a world in which I am the lone knight in the shining armor. I prevent disasters, I protect people, I save lives, I love, I care, I provide and I live up to all my promises. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I and I. Yes, it is that action movie in which everyone else is a villain and I am the sole hero, but still I win. I am the Chuck Norris of America, Rajnikant of India and God for the rest.

Obviously, I am selfish and narcissist. Obviously, I am jealous of everyone else except me. Obviously, I hate anything that is good and pure. Lets come back to the real question though – “Don’t you think it is foolish to compare your sense of utopia to the real life? Won’t it just bring misery to everyone around you?”

At first, the answer seems a logical yes. It is. However, since I am so full of myself, do I ever care? Nope. Everything should be EXACTLY how I want it to be. Sure, I can accept some new situations and challenges, but for the most part, everything should be EXACTLY what I want. If it isn’t, well, I lose power in my fictional dream world, thereby making my existence futile and thus letting out the stream of anger and hate and blow it on the world. Even to those who actually are trying to make the real world into that utopia.

Ha! Ha! Am I proud of it? No. Do I like it? No. Do I want it? No. Yeah, no. I wanna accept the reality and live life as it should be lived. Can I stop it? Maybe. I have tried many times but failed. I thought the angel would have helped me, and she probably could have. But, I shut her out. She knocked the door, she checked the windows, she tried the phone, she tried to console me when I was alone, she prayed for me when I was in trouble, she helped me when I was sick, she used her magic wand and created a rainbow whenever I wanted and she made me forget all the pain. In return, I locked the door, I shut the windows, I broke the phone, I faked not being alone, I didn’t tell her about the troubles, I lied about not being sick, I didn’t see the rainbow and complained that it lacked a new color and I always focused on the pain.

“Why son?”, asked God.
“I want more”, I replied.
“You know she will give you everything. I made that angel for you”, he said.
“I know. But, why? Can’t you see she becomes sad when trying to deal with me?”, I asked.
“Don’t you become sad when she falls?”, he retorted.
“You know, the worst thing about talking to God is? You can never make him understand he is wrong.”, I said.
He looked at me, smiled and went away.

“Great. I can piss off God too. Add to list.”, I thought.

Sorry, I went off in a different direction. Yeah, why do I do all this stuff? Why? Frankly, I don’t know. Maybe I like being a superpower. But then again, who doesn’t? No, the answer is not that I like something. The answer is that -

I don’t want to be mediocre. I can’t stand being mediocre. Every second in my life should be grand, epic and sparkling. I am like that little kid who wants to just see people fight in the action movies. Just fights, nothing else. I am that teenage girl who just wants the kiss to happen in the romantic movie. Just kiss, nothing else. I am the sick child who just wants to buy the balloon in front of the Doctor’s office. Just the balloon, nothing else.

The problem is that I just want either the best or the worst and nothing in between. This, extremism might just be because I want my life to be a roller coaster. One with no stills, no pauses; its either up or down.

“But that is not possible.” explained God.
“Oh great! You back again. I thought you got disconnected. Heh.”, I replied.
“Stop using humour as a tool to hide your real feelings”, he replied.
“Oh great! She told you too? Oh wait… you are God. You know everything right?”, I asked
“Again… don’t hide your feelings.”, he said.
“I don’t have any feelings. I am a monster, remember? I am opaque. See, can’t see!”, I replied.
“You know she is waiting for you”, he told me.
“Why should she?”, I asked.
“She needs you. She needs your support”, he told me.
“She, needs my support? Dude, she is an angel. She can get whoever she wants.”, I said.
“She wants you.”, he replied.
“But why?”, I asked.
“As you think she completes you. She also thinks that you complete her.”, he told me.
“Really? She never mentioned this to me, ever.”, I said.
“She was waiting for you to realize this on your own”, he replied.
“Okay… but even so, she can do much better than me. I only spread sadness and hate wherever I go.”, I tried to explain.
“Tell me something. She is always with you, right?”, he asked.
“Yeah. Almost every time.”, I answered.
“And you say you spread sadness and hate wherever you go, right?”, he asked.
“Yeah…. and?”, I said. I could see that he was going somewhere with this.
“Well, she thinks she is the one spreading the sadness.”, he said.
“But that is wrong! Didn’t you tell her that is wrong! She cures it, she doesn’t cause it!”, I shouted.
“Do you really think I can explain it to her?”, he asked calmly.
“Again, you are God. Remember? If I were at your place, I would do anything in my power to make her believe in herself. I would cure her pain. I would make her happy.”, I said.
“That is your job. Not mine.”, he said.
“But you are God! Help her.”, I shouted.
“It is not God’s job. It is yours. Just yours.”, he said and disappeared.

“Oh great! So he gets to be like batman. Come and go as he pleases. Damn, I wish I could do that”, I thought to myself.

I remembered how she tried to help me.
“Why do you do this everytime?”, she said.
“What do I do?”
“Why do you hurt yourself saying ‘I can’t do anything’, ‘I can’t take away your pain’. You cause me pain by hurting yourself. You increase it”, she said.
“Fine. Then don’t talk to me.”, I said and shut myself out.

“Why did you shut yourself out?”, God asked
“She was telling me about some boy and how troubled he really is. I am trouble more than him! Can’t she see this?”, I asked.
“She sees it. She just doesn’t want you to see it.”, he explained.
“Why?”, I asked.
“Just as you try to evaporate her pain, she tried to evaporate yours. By making you forget that you have pain at all. About the boy, you should sympathise, no? Help him. After all, you are the protector, remember?”, he said and chuckled.
“What if she leaves me, because somebody needs her more.”, I asked.
“She was made for you. Just for you. She will try and help anyone else in the way, but she knows your importance. For her, only you are the priority, just like for you, only she is.”, he said.
“And what if someday she gets so irritated with me that she leaves me?”, I asked.
“She won’t. You know that too. Stop asking foolish questions.”, he explained.
“What if that….”, I was about to ask something when he disappeared again.

I sat there thinking, and slowly drifted off to sleep. I woke up late at night and sat with my arms around my knees, crying like a emo boy.

“Do you know why she keeps asking you about your dreams?”, whispered God.
“Holy! Don’t scare me like that. At least let me know before you come.”
“Will keep it mind. Now, tell me.”, he said.
“I don’t know. Maybe she is curious what happens?”, I asked
“No. She wants to know your dreams and wants to help you to make them into reality”, he said.
“But didn’t you say before that it can never be done?”, I asked.
“Yes, I tried to explain it to her too. But she wouldn’t believe me. She believes in you more.”, he explained.
“Oh! Okay. So, I am just going to let go of my ego and ask you what should I do now”, I said hesitantly.
“Just let her reach out to you. She knows what to do. She knows how to utilize your full potential.”, he told me.
“What if she makes a mistake?”, I asked.
“You will correct that.”, he replied.
“How would I know if it really is her mistake and not just me trying to control things?”, I asked.
“Just ask yourself ‘What would be good for both of us and our relationship’ and the answer would come to you”, he said.
“But… ‘good’ is subjective. What I want, I consider that as good. Right?”, I asked again.
“You know how to solve that.”, he said.
“I do? By discussing it with her?”, I asked.
“Yes. Explain it to her patiently, and I am sure she would understand.”, he replied.
“So basically, you just want me to let go of everything and let her control my life?”, I asked.
“Not control, son. Let her heal you. Let her reach out to you. It is not about control or who obeys whom. It is about you and her. Just you and her.”, he said.
“….”, I didn’t know what to say. I just stood there.

He smiled and disappeared.

I stood there for more than an hour, wondering what to do and then, I just gave up. I let go of my chains, unlocked the doors and opened the windows. I looked at the gate and saw her enter.

What happens now, is up to her.